Resentment: A Cry for Help

Resentment: A Cry for Help

It has been said that you can never go home. Also, it has been stated, not to live in the past and to learn from life’s lessons that have been revealed to you. Well hell, I do not want to go home, whatever that is (in this realm anyway). Yet, the past still holds sway. I miss my brother Michael, (my ROCK) terribly today and my Mom. I think of my older twin brothers, Jerry and Terry, and compassion rolls over me. Some-days it feels as if I am drowning in it, choking until I breathe no more. Other days along with the compassion and love for them, I feel a sort of resentment, like now. My God help me, please help us all.

Was it my responsibility to rescue my brother Terry, and to keep him from our step-dad when our Mom died ? I thought so, step-daddy was working him into the ground, taking every penny, screaming at Terry and when the notion struck him, he’d haul off and knock the shit out of him for no apparent reason. I was young, saw no other way than to scoop up my mentally challenged brother Terry, (who is 9 years older) and move 200 miles away from what I then referred to as step-dad, the monster. We had no communication with the monster for 7 years.

After over 20 years of caring for Terry, I am no longer able to do this, due to my own challenges, among a few other things. I finally had him placed about a year ago in a group home just 7 miles from my house. Thank God, Jerry had long been placed before, near us by my Mother; before her passing. Jerry is in this group home still.

I received news yesterday that June 1, 2014, Terry would no longer be welcomed at ‘his’ group home due to acting out. I did see this coming. I have 11 days to find another home which is NOT easy. It took 2 yrs to find this one and only when I stopped doing it ‘my way’ and asked my God for help. Bam, help arrived ! There it was, seemingly dropping into my lap. I know the lesson; it is to let go and allow the Universe to do it’s thing. I also know that I make a mess of things when I do not ask for help. I do not know how this is going to play out; and I am sure that it is not for me to know, just yet.

In the meantime, Father, I ask that you guide my footsteps, my mind, keep your Angels all around to guard, protect and keep me sane and everyone involved in this situation. I am thankful for the tools that I have been privileged to learn and utilize. When one door closes, another opens. Let me never forget Your kindness and provisions on our behalf and . . . I love you, Terry !

(c) Janet P. Caldwell – May 20th, 2014

Video: Youtube – (c)The Hollies – He’s my brother – Entertainment Purposes Only – No (c) Infringement Intended

Terry (and Jerry) will be 64 in June

UPDATE: Just a few hours ago, I wrote this.  I have been on the telephone . . . all day and have 2 prospects for Terry.  Thank you, Universe !

Notebooks

notebooks1

 

Notebooks

 

My notebooks are filled

with half poems, ideas

some brilliant and then

there are the others . . .

 

I see my Mother in one

she, with her olive skin

dark auburn hair

and a heart too big

it could not be contained.

 

I see my God, the notes

and prayers unanswered.

They say . . .

I am supposed to be glad for this.

 

I see my daughter

her adult ways

and it blows my mind

that she is truly my child.

 

I see my son and his soft heart

the wife and children that he loves so

and I wonder, how did I get so lucky ?

 

Wait ! I don’t believe in luck.

I am blessed somehow

despite my craziness

 

that these two turned out

finer than any wine, yes

some – ONE is looking out for us.

 

I see lovers, lost and gained

joy and pain, the tears and rainy days

reckless lives abandoned once

only to be re-saved.

 

I see me and wonder who I AM

then a stirring moves deep inside

and I know, I am another page

of this Universal notebook‘s stage.

 

(c) May 7th, 2014 Janet P. Caldwell

Pic: http://cookieshq.co.uk/posts/new-system-for-a-notebook-freak/

No copyright Infringement Intended

Unspoken Things

 

Unspoken Things

 

The things that I have wanted to say

have haunted me for years.

It seemed that I could never find a way

to tell you, about the things that troubled me

without quivering lips and facial sliding tears.

 

Never wanting to appear weak

I simply chose silence

never to speak of the things in my cupboard,

not even a peek, and I have wanted you

to see and accept the real me.

What a conundrum !

 

This woman that appears strong – when needed

is sometimes a farce, a smiling persona, you see.

When at times, I want to fall into your arms

to stop the bleeding of my gentle heart

so I go away until I can smile again and appear free to be.

 

One day I realized what a lie, I have told.

Either you love me as I am or not

sometimes as weak as a kitten, sometimes bold.

Tossing caution to the wind,

I told you my truth and you loved me anyway.

 

I was so surprised

to open a skeleton free mouth

death mask, daisies and rocks removed

from my eyes, you peered deeply

with understanding and love,

I was freely doused.

 

(c) Janet P. Caldwell April 28th, 2014

Video: Brave – Sara Bareilles (Lyrics) No copyright Infringement Intended

 

 

 

 

 

Letters to My God, Children, Family, Self and Lovers

Questions letter 2

Questions  2nd Letter

Dear God,

I remember back in my full blown Christian days, I was spoon fed a belief that was so full of holes, that it may as well have been a fishing net. Hmmm yes net, I believe that is exactly what it was. When I asked a reasonable question – such as, “ Out of the three great, Abrahamic religions, we / they, think that we’re all right, which is it ?” I also remember asking you to tell Abraham that I was irked with him.

How is it possible that if one does accept, with no questions asked or answers ( that made any sense ) from the teachings, will I ever come to my own truth ? I asked anyway. I was told that I would never understand, not for me to know, etc. Really ! I certainly could not understand how you’d persecute one group, send to hell another and call yourself merciful. This was ludicrous to my truth. And the piety of the elders, well that is another letter.

I talked to learned men about You, the Christed One, ridiculous laws and more. It is my belief that it matters not what I call you, how many sons / daughters that you have. After pouring over document after document, I found no ultimate truth. Only examples that I can use, such as grace, mercy, compassion and loving my fellow man as myself. We are ALL your children. The rest, a made up story, passed down, generation after generation. It was changed to fit the times and to suppress / oppress many a great soul. Control was the name of that game ! Thousands of years before, the same stories were told and or borrowed before these texts came to be. I must think for myself and act accordingly.

I also realized that if a tribe lived in the forest, up in a tree, never having heard The Gospels or any other Holy Text that they too, are you’re children. Maybe they knew more than I did. Being aware of the great gifts of Mother Earth, such as food / medicine, the stars, daylight and moonlight. I believe they had one up on me, not being jaded with man’s text, simply God’s provisions and love.

I end this letter by saying that I love you. Still spitting out the seeds. Until next time.

Lead me, Guide me, Guard my footsteps,

© Janet P. Caldwell April 20th, 2014

Pic:  Fair Use

I will not share all of the letters, as they a part of my latest book.

Peace Talks

world healing, world peace, janet p caldwell, inner child press, chyna blue, edyfin graphix, william s peters, sr, janet caldwell, american poets, global

 

Lay down your weapons
put your hatred aside
and just for a moment
think for yourselves
not parroting . . .
what someone else has said.
It is only the unknown
that is so frightening
the shadows that scare.
This concept . . .fear
that has stricken the hearts of men
when conversations have never begun
or have been carelessly withdrawn
is ludicrously inept.
Sit with me, let us converse, you will see
that we all want the same things
at least similarly
for our precious families
throughout this vast humanity.
The imagination can be a cruel master
and emotions may be acted on
and do not reveal the truth
of what is happening
when no-one is talking
except the political
brain – washing, big guns.
Our children suffer the most
there are generations
who have never experienced peace
and this is a sad state of affairs.
Don’t we care ?

Do we name ourselves as good examples ?
Tell me now, I do not understand.
With the current legacy we’re leaving
how will history record us ?
Are we proud of ourselves ?
For my sake and for yours
the sake of the innocents
I am opening my hands
letting go of who’s right or wrong.
Though culturally different
aren’t we the same ?
Love will take us there
leading to the exchange of ideas
understanding ideals
watch the healing begin.
Together we’ll sing songs
of reconciliation
hand in hand in hand.
I don’t know about you
but I do know that it begins with me.
I have taught my children
to love the Global Family.
Won’t you join us
and give it a try ?
Take my hand in peace.
For I too . . . am your family
and just for this moment
let us think for ourselves
not parroting . . .
what someone else has said.

(c)  Janet P. Caldwell

http://www.innerchildpress.com/world-healing-world-peace-poetry.php

There is no trust more sacred than the one the world holds with children. There is no duty
more important than ensuring that their rights are respected, that their welfare is
protected, that their lives are free from fear and want and that they grow up in peace.
Kofi Annan