Resentment: A Cry for Help
It has been said that you can never go home. Also, it has been stated, not to live in the past and to learn from life’s lessons that have been revealed to you. Well hell, I do not want to go home, whatever that is (in this realm anyway). Yet, the past still holds sway. I miss my brother Michael, (my ROCK) terribly today and my Mom. I think of my older twin brothers, Jerry and Terry, and compassion rolls over me. Some-days it feels as if I am drowning in it, choking until I breathe no more. Other days along with the compassion and love for them, I feel a sort of resentment, like now. My God help me, please help us all.
Was it my responsibility to rescue my brother Terry, and to keep him from our step-dad when our Mom died ? I thought so, step-daddy was working him into the ground, taking every penny, screaming at Terry and when the notion struck him, he’d haul off and knock the shit out of him for no apparent reason. I was young, saw no other way than to scoop up my mentally challenged brother Terry, (who is 9 years older) and move 200 miles away from what I then referred to as step-dad, the monster. We had no communication with the monster for 7 years.
After over 20 years of caring for Terry, I am no longer able to do this, due to my own challenges, among a few other things. I finally had him placed about a year ago in a group home just 7 miles from my house. Thank God, Jerry had long been placed before, near us by my Mother; before her passing. Jerry is in this group home still.
I received news yesterday that June 1, 2014, Terry would no longer be welcomed at ‘his’ group home due to acting out. I did see this coming. I have 11 days to find another home which is NOT easy. It took 2 yrs to find this one and only when I stopped doing it ‘my way’ and asked my God for help. Bam, help arrived ! There it was, seemingly dropping into my lap. I know the lesson; it is to let go and allow the Universe to do it’s thing. I also know that I make a mess of things when I do not ask for help. I do not know how this is going to play out; and I am sure that it is not for me to know, just yet.
In the meantime, Father, I ask that you guide my footsteps, my mind, keep your Angels all around to guard, protect and keep me sane and everyone involved in this situation. I am thankful for the tools that I have been privileged to learn and utilize. When one door closes, another opens. Let me never forget Your kindness and provisions on our behalf and . . . I love you, Terry !
(c) Janet P. Caldwell – May 20th, 2014
Video: Youtube – (c)The Hollies – He’s my brother – Entertainment Purposes Only – No (c) Infringement Intended
Terry (and Jerry) will be 64 in June
UPDATE: Just a few hours ago, I wrote this. I have been on the telephone . . . all day and have 2 prospects for Terry. Thank you, Universe !